How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
