The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
This beer is not sobering me up at all
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
