I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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