god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
