Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
His nipple licking is glorious
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