So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize