I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
