We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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