I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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