The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
