was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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