Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize