Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
