We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
