Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
