If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
