We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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