So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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