just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
