Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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