No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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