i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
