hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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