my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
