Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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