Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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