Just cropdusted the office
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
