The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
