if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize