its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
