So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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