before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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