It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
