Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
