why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
