I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
