Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
