I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
