please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
