The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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