god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
