He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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