i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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