We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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