Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
