i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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