just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
me + whiskey = a bad person
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
