We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
