A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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