singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
