Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
