Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ketchup is God's man juice
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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