theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Randomize
