her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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