between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
