I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
