Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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