don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
